Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Finishing off grief

The year T died, I lost another person.  Not to death, but distance. It was particular terrible timing.  They left 3 months after T died during what would have been T's birthday week. Until that point, they were perfectly lovely with support and consideration.

I am sure I acknowledged their leaving to them, but it didn't sink into my working brain till August.  I had a mini break down via phone.  I felt terrible, that swamp of emotions being dropped on them without warning. Then I was prickly in Sept and distant for a few months after.  Then I thought I was ok, all was well.  They came to visit last year and it was lovely.  I've missed them so and to breathe in again that scent that used to make me feel so safe was divine.

This year was my turn to go visit.  To be the scent bringer.  I didn't realize that apparently I had put the us that was not an us in a holding pattern in my head.  They have a great set up, whole new chapter in their life being written and while I am grateful to be a cast as a recurring character, I felt a bit like a NPC while I was there.  I wasn't sure what my role was supposed to be.  So I did my best to tighten my fingers around my friend role.  Held on with dear life.  I think I did ok,  I think I did not cause any harm to my friend. I hope.

I think I may have caused a bit of harm to myself.  Am a little depressed today, sad and grieving.  The previous weekend was (I hope) the final reminder for me to continue to unpack and let go of a past that once was. Idle dreams, idle thoughts of perhaps one day in the future *shrug* Doesn't matter now.  They have found the one they think they will spend a long time with.  I don't know what that exactly entails, but the space that was mine is no longer available.  I only get a part of it now.  I will come to terms with that soon, but today and this week I get to be sad.

Next year, the visit will be better. I will have unwrapped my arms around from all of this.  I just need to remember that this is no longer a burden I need to carry and breath deeply of the freedom from one more weight being dropped off.

Scent of freedom is always at war with the scent of home.  Guess I am lucky they smell like someone else now.

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