Wednesday, May 28, 2014

I am tired.

I am tired of being talked to like a child and then told to relax when I ask to be treated as an adult.

I am tired of being called a bitch for daring to object to being treated as an object.  Then being derided for being too fat or too tattooed or too something.

I am tired of not being able to speak freely in a public space without fear of retribution, verbal or physical.

I am tired of my body not being my own.  Tired of laws claiming others have greater rights over my person.  Tired of hands claiming space on me.  My right to give permission, unheeded, ignored, laughed at. Then when I am abused, told it is my fault, I asked for it.  I must have wanted it.

I am tired of other people who identify as women being abused, being fetishized, being mocked, being everything on this list and more. I am really fucking tired of them being overlooked and ignored.

Mostly, I am tired of writing shit like this.  Other women have written this over and over in multiple timelines, in multiple languages and far more eloquently then I.

I am tired and I want to stop. Give up my teaspoon and go to bed.  Then I remember who I am angry at. I am angry at the person who perpetuates rape culture, privilege.  Those who fight to keep the status quo.  Those who believe women are things.  Who believe their wants override our rights.  Other women who support those above. White feminists who deny women of color their voices or steal them.  Gay people who ignore the rest of the rainbow.

So that is how I ended up a cranky bitch feminist.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Need to do something

Finals this week and I am having so much trouble caring.  Math is tomorrow and I haven't even bothered to study really. We are allowed to have 3x5 card of notes, and I just haven't.  I should, I should at least write down the formulas.  Yes, I will do that before I go to bed.

I should go to bed.  Sleep.  I've been sick.  Weak immune system.  Once upon a time, I was so healthy and then I learned what worn out meant.  These past few years have taught me the meaning of worn down.  I've leveled up.

After this weekend,  I hope I will be more refreshed.  My head is currently in the dichotomy of exhausted and restless.  I rarely make good decisions at that point.  Guess, I should be grateful my most dangerous temptation is dead.

I am not.  I miss the battle.