Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Keeping A Piece For Me

Am living in a house at the top of a mountain.  This house isn't mine, but I am welcome here.

I treasure that.

I am living in a house at the top of a mountain, listening to a dog snore next to me.

It calms me.

Living in this house is temporary, but the peace it brings will resonate beyond my end date.


This past week has been interesting.  Apparently, I am not one for smooth slow transitions.  Perhaps, I have become too attached to my manual transmission and throw myself into gear and out with the same fierceness.

Met a new friend recently.  I have a lovely crush, which I will keep in my back pocket.  Something to pull out and enjoy alone every so often.  It is so nice to have a new friend.  Especially one with a similar banter line.  ESPECIALLY one who likes to read and I get to introduce lots of lovely new titles too.  Heh, knowing me that last bit is the biggest attraction.

No, this person is lovely.  Smart, yummy and very very clever.  I look forward to our next conversation.  Which won't be for a few days.  Like I said, I need to keep my crush in my back pocket.  Gotta whittle it down some then fold it up nice and neat.  So it slips in easy and I won't make anyone uncomfortable.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014


I haven't had a cycle like this in a while.  I am feeling the anxiety & nausea rise and fall over hours instead of days now.

I keep going from wanting to contact everyone I know and apologize profusely for my existence to holding my breath and waiting for the wave of anxiety to crest so I can breathe and bring my phone back into reach. One of these waves, I am going to end up flipping it into the next cubical just to save me from making the type of call that is actually worse then the pathetic drunk phone call that can be so common.

Should just put it in my bag and sign out of my email, but I won't.  I am in need mode.  I need my phone, I need constant contact with various people.  I rarely need such, but today is apparently one of those days. So I try to focus on work.  I allow myself to check my inbox & phone after I complete a set amount of work. At least I am still being productive. We will ignore the time I am taking to write this out.

Of course I don't get what I need.  I don't ask for it.  I don't think I could ask for it.  I am too afraid to ask for it and it would be unfair to those I want that level of contact from.  They don't need to change their patterns, their day because my stomach won't stay put.  This too shall pass, right?  Except I think I got things confused and I turned my anxiety into the Balrog and I am not sure I can fake being Gandalf enough to beat it.

Part of me finds this highly amusing.  I HATE being needy.  I hate that bubble of hope each time I check bursting.  Makes the tummy worse.  Makes me even more tired.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Finishing off grief

The year T died, I lost another person.  Not to death, but distance. It was particular terrible timing.  They left 3 months after T died during what would have been T's birthday week. Until that point, they were perfectly lovely with support and consideration.

I am sure I acknowledged their leaving to them, but it didn't sink into my working brain till August.  I had a mini break down via phone.  I felt terrible, that swamp of emotions being dropped on them without warning. Then I was prickly in Sept and distant for a few months after.  Then I thought I was ok, all was well.  They came to visit last year and it was lovely.  I've missed them so and to breathe in again that scent that used to make me feel so safe was divine.

This year was my turn to go visit.  To be the scent bringer.  I didn't realize that apparently I had put the us that was not an us in a holding pattern in my head.  They have a great set up, whole new chapter in their life being written and while I am grateful to be a cast as a recurring character, I felt a bit like a NPC while I was there.  I wasn't sure what my role was supposed to be.  So I did my best to tighten my fingers around my friend role.  Held on with dear life.  I think I did ok,  I think I did not cause any harm to my friend. I hope.

I think I may have caused a bit of harm to myself.  Am a little depressed today, sad and grieving.  The previous weekend was (I hope) the final reminder for me to continue to unpack and let go of a past that once was. Idle dreams, idle thoughts of perhaps one day in the future *shrug* Doesn't matter now.  They have found the one they think they will spend a long time with.  I don't know what that exactly entails, but the space that was mine is no longer available.  I only get a part of it now.  I will come to terms with that soon, but today and this week I get to be sad.

Next year, the visit will be better. I will have unwrapped my arms around from all of this.  I just need to remember that this is no longer a burden I need to carry and breath deeply of the freedom from one more weight being dropped off.

Scent of freedom is always at war with the scent of home.  Guess I am lucky they smell like someone else now.

Anxiety & Unease

At least I am losing weight.

I tell myself this over and over again when I am unable to finish a meal again or start one.  Nibble here or a nibble there.  I am interested in this distaste for an action I have over indulged in for years.

Why now?  What changed?  And most importantly can I harness this?

I don't think so.  I want to ride it out.  See what happens, this is a new aspect to me, of me.

Nauseated at the moment.  Pushed myself through an early lunch and tried to eat a healthy sized serving of pita & hummus.  Now I want to vomit.  Garlic once is great, twice is not.