Wednesday, July 9, 2014


I haven't had a cycle like this in a while.  I am feeling the anxiety & nausea rise and fall over hours instead of days now.

I keep going from wanting to contact everyone I know and apologize profusely for my existence to holding my breath and waiting for the wave of anxiety to crest so I can breathe and bring my phone back into reach. One of these waves, I am going to end up flipping it into the next cubical just to save me from making the type of call that is actually worse then the pathetic drunk phone call that can be so common.

Should just put it in my bag and sign out of my email, but I won't.  I am in need mode.  I need my phone, I need constant contact with various people.  I rarely need such, but today is apparently one of those days. So I try to focus on work.  I allow myself to check my inbox & phone after I complete a set amount of work. At least I am still being productive. We will ignore the time I am taking to write this out.

Of course I don't get what I need.  I don't ask for it.  I don't think I could ask for it.  I am too afraid to ask for it and it would be unfair to those I want that level of contact from.  They don't need to change their patterns, their day because my stomach won't stay put.  This too shall pass, right?  Except I think I got things confused and I turned my anxiety into the Balrog and I am not sure I can fake being Gandalf enough to beat it.

Part of me finds this highly amusing.  I HATE being needy.  I hate that bubble of hope each time I check bursting.  Makes the tummy worse.  Makes me even more tired.

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