Thursday, June 21, 2012

Where is my head

I can't seem to pin it down. I am doing the things I need to do to survive.  Baseline is taken care of, but what about more?  This is the goal of my 30's. To learn to move beyond surviving.

I feel 28 again. I have all the strands I need in my hand.  I can keep them from tangling and knotting up.  Now I just need to braid it all together, but I keep stumbling and having to unravel my own mistakes.  Nothing is running smoothly and I am so tired from just hanging on.

I don't want to relive this year, or any past year.  Smacks too close of stagnation.  I dislike this lack of function.  My own capability gaps are widening instead of closing.  This is not what I want.

Damn him, for this tail spin.  Damn him for this regression, for this depression.

I want to be back.  I want back, I want better and I lack the patience to wait.  I guess I need to find the energy to run.