Year one was binary. I bounced between numb and overwhelming emotion. There was no in-between.
This year is different. The drowning feeling has dissipated somewhat, which means the numbness of self protection hasn't kicked in. I have a sneaking suspicion I am the frog in the pot. Last year, the pot was too hot, too obvious so I could kick out, get away at times. This year, it is more of a bath temperature. I know something is wrong, but I can't pinpoint it. The level raises up to my throat inciting fear of drowning but not actually ever coming up past my chin. I think it is a red herring to distract me from the heating pot.
Something seems to be coming, but I don't know what or from where. I have no ability to bolster my defenses anyway, so it doesn't matter. At this point, I just hope I can absorb as much as possible to minimize collateral damage.