Friday, May 24, 2013

Year Two

Year one was binary.  I bounced between numb and overwhelming emotion.  There was no in-between.

This year is different.  The drowning feeling has dissipated somewhat, which means the numbness of self protection hasn't kicked in.  I have a sneaking suspicion I am the frog in the pot.  Last year, the pot was too hot, too obvious so I could kick out, get away at times. This year, it is more of a bath temperature.  I know something is wrong, but I can't pinpoint it.  The level raises up to my throat inciting fear of drowning but not actually ever coming up past my chin.  I think it is a red herring to distract me from the heating pot.

Something seems to be coming, but I don't know what or from where.  I have no ability to bolster my defenses anyway, so it doesn't matter.  At this point, I just hope I can absorb as much as possible to minimize collateral damage.