I am still mostly numb, but time has started having meaning again.
I am still finding lots of holes in my memory from last year and parts of this year. I have mostly caught up on birthdays.
I find myself craving a love like I had with T. Dangerous and I feel dishonest. I just want something to sweep me away. Basically, I want to be rescued from my own brain. Even though I know the first hint of anything encompassing I will run and hide. It is an idle wish that annoys me on many levels. I don't want to be that person who wishes and waits for someone to rescue them. I don't even hold a mild hope that someone could or even would. You only can save yourself and sometimes, even then you just gotta let shit ride and hope you come out on the other side.
I keep visualizing depression as cobwebs in my brain. These cobwebs are not those measly bastards that can be taken down with a mop and wrist flick. They are huge, multi-layered and sticky. I have my mop of determination, but it keeps breaking. Duct tape can only repair it for so long and my arms are fucking tired.